Escalating Abuse - knowing when it is happening to you!

For years, I made excuses as to why I was being abused. It happened in multiple relationships and I honestly got to the point where I thought that I made men crazy and led them to be abusive. I want to make a clear point, there is NEVER an excuse for abuse. Abusse is deep-rooted in personal problems that have nothing to do with you. If a person is being abusive to you, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. I told you I will be transparent about my trauma and abuse and I will!

My most recent experience with abuse was by far the worst that I have ever experienced. I will likely be writing a ton of blog about this experience because I learned a ton of lesson and I can show you patterns of behavior from this particular relationship. Each relationship that I have had that led to abuse started out very normal, very happy. Abuse does not happen over night, it takes time and angry words turn into insults, insults turn into threats, and eventually, threats turn into abuse.

Once thing I want to stress is that abuse comes in a lot of different forms. I have experiences just about every form of abuse and each left me feeling incomplete, empty, and sad. I blamed myself and told myself that things would get better. In my last relationship, the abuse started with destruction of my home. I work really hard and I was proud to be able to buy my own house. This person moved in and tore my house to pieces. There was not one room in the house that did not have damange because of this person. This form of abuse is intimidation. "If they can do this to a wall or a door, image what they could do to me."

This was the first time that I locked myself in my bedroom trying to hide from this monster and this is what he did. He was going to do whatever it took to get to me. With every punch, I could feel myself getting weaker and more afraid. I did not know what I would do when he would eventually punch through the door and be able to unlock the door. This was one of the scariest moments of my life. The only way that I was able to get him to stop was by pretending to call the police. In retrospect, I should have called them and had him removed from my home. Had I known that this would eventually be me getting broken, I would have, but I didn't.

I think a major reason that I did not call the police this time or many other times was because I had a failed marriage before this one. That marriage also turned abusive. We were young and dumb, but this time, I was older and should have trusted the red flags that I saw, but I did not do that.

I want to stress that abuse does not just happen over night. This was a process of breaking me down, making me feel bad about myself, intimidating me, making we weak, and eventually, making me feel like I had no choice. The insults were the first form of abuse that I had. Being called names and then using my biggest insecurity (my weight) against me was a tactic that he used to make sure that I felt like no one else would ever love me. This was not love. Love is not hateful. This was necessity. My ex husband was very poor growing up and he learned from his mother how to leech off of people and that is just what he was doing with me, just like he did with all of the women before me. When someone is with you out of need, they will do whatever they have to do to keep you. Empty promises, tearing you apart from friends and family, making you reliant on them, whatever it is, they will do what they have to do to survive. Words turning into this.

Small bruises turn into larger ones and eventually you are using makeup to cover up black eyes. I am very blessed that I was not put into a hospital at any point by this person. He was clearly capable of that, but I was able to escape the clutches before it escalated to that point. I have zero doubt that eventually, I would have ended up in the hospital or even dead. He would make it seem like I was the one that caused this. I was the one that created the abuse. An abuser is typically a narcissist and will never be able to claim that they were the problem. There are some any things that I could tell you about this relationship that would make you sick, but there will be plenty of time for that. What I want to stress to you is that there is never an excuse for abuse. It will creep in and I am urging you to identify those red flags early on. If something seems off, do not let that feeling go. Trust your instincts and reach out to those closest to you if you feel like you need additional support.

If you are currently in an abusive relationship and you do not know where you can turn, please seek out resources that are you offered to you. Most cities and towns have resources to those that are being abused. Please know that you are not alone and that this happens to so many people, men and women alike. You do not have to live in fear. You deserve to live a happy and healthy life and sometimes, that starts with you leaving.

"It will get better." "I should not have provoked him while he was drinking." "This will never happen again." "She is just stressed out from work." "I should have done X and then this would not have happened." "He would never do anything to hurt me on purpose." "This was my fault."

If you find yourselves saying any of these things, I am telling you right now, RUN. Get a game plan together and never look back. Your life is precious and you cannot let someone take away your freedom, your peace, or your physical and mental health. Do not go through years of abuse before you realize that it is never going to get better. It will only get worse. I believe in you and I am rooting for you.

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